10 Rules Every Horror Movie Fan Knows

It takes a special kind of person to be a real horror movie fan. Good horror will cause your heart to beat in double-time, blood racing through your veins, invigorating and prompting chest-thumping and boasts of courageousness. Anyone can say they enjoy a good fright flick now and then, however, only a true fan can tell you the rules learned from watching horror movies. Pay attention to them and you’ll live a longer, healthier life.

1. Stick together. Killers get off on killing one person at a time. It’s the whole “divide and conquer” thing. Move as a group and you’ll be safe.

2. Don’t investigate the noise in the attic, basement, or any room where the electricity doesn’t work. Unless the director is trying to build suspense, something is definitely hiding in there. If you manage to shine a light and nothing is there, it’s behind you.

3. Aim for the head. For some reason, even if the rest of the body is dead, the brain remains active. Destroying the brain or removing the head should do the job.

4. Always be aware of your surroundings. Just when you let your guard down, that’s when the killer, alien, parasite, or zombie will attack, even though you are in a wide open space with nothing to hide behind.

5. Never have sex. Apparently, homicidal maniacs don’t get laid; therefore they are extremely jealous of those that do, so you must appease his pain by dying in a pool of blood and gore.

6. The killer or monster will always catch up. Even the slowest moving killer, monster, or zombie can manage to catch up to someone who has gold-medaled in track. The same principles of physics that allows Santa to go around the world in a single night apparently work for slow, shambling psychos as well.

7. It’s probably in the ventilation shaft. When trying to locate the creature, think outside the box. That technological wonder that is telling you the creature is in the same room, but you can’t see it, is likely hiding in the one place you didn’t think about, like the air conditioning duct.

8. Never explore abandoned houses, hospitals, or asylums where people have died. Vengeful spirits like to hang around tormenting and killing the living. If the killer is living, he will be upset that you disturbed his home and will hunt you down to express his displeasure.

9. Be careful whose phone you use. Keep your cell phone charged. Never ask to use the phone of backwoods, inbred, homicidal maniacs with lots of cars in their yard. Chances are they have developed a taste for human flesh or need to add some new DNA to the gene-pool.

10. If the price of the house is too good to be true, don’t buy it. In fact, the more expensive the house, the less likely it is haunted. Go ahead and fork over the big bucks. Chances are the developers bypassed the cemetery, Indian burial ground, or local mortuary before building. The cheaper the house, the more likely it was the sight of a series of heinous murders.